It’s Been a While…

Hey everyone. It’s been several weeks since I’ve interacted on Substack. This post will most likely come across as a stream of consciousness as opposed to a carefully crafted piece of work.

My apologies, in advance. I will be back to posting regularly, soon.

As most of you know, I moved back to the States from Portugal in early February with my dog and best friend, Madame. Once I landed in Arizona and finally got to my father’s house, which was quite the trip, I felt an enormous weight lifted off my shoulders and was determined to leave the past behind.

I started at a new job three days after landing, got Madame and me somewhat settled into a new routine, and began making myself at home in my new neighborhood.

This sense of peace was short-lived.

I wanted so much to simply plow forward and forget everything that happened in Portugal.

While I was grateful about leaving behind the hurt I endured while I was in Portugal. At the same time, I was so excited to start a new life with someone I loved and thought I knew. So many promises were made for which I looked forward to with anticipation.

I would soon learn these were false promises, ever meant to be, and if I couldn’t live with that, I could be replaced with someone who didn’t mind being lied to.

It’s hard not to feel like a fool after being so misled.

Being thrown out of your home in a foreign country, without any means of income, because you dared speak out against the person who physically, emotionally, and mentally harmed you doesn’t vanish immediately after find a safe space.

While I would be the first person to say this to someone in a similar situation, I expect far more from myself and have difficulty gifting myself such patience.

Weeks after arriving back in the states, in a moment when I was feeling good about my future, I received a drunk text from someone back in Portugal who, for a short time, I believed was my friend. This “friend” proceeded to verbally attack me for speaking out against the”Russel,” the ex who hurt me. Calling me a liar and coming to Russel’s defense the way a woman goes after her current boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend.

So while attempting to move forward with my life, I have someone whom I once confided in attempting gaslight me into believing that I am at fault for how I was treated. Someone who never once lived with us. Someone who sounds the alarm for “believe women.”

I’m unsure which hurt more: the fact that I’m still struggling to accept that someone I once loved didn’t love truly love me, the fear that scars you when you are a abandoned in a foreign country and trying to support yourself any way you can, or someone you once thought of as a friend turning your back on you for speaking out against abusive treatment from the man they are trying to bag.

If there is one piece of advice I can give to someone: if someone has zero qualms about about mistreating you when they are fully aware that you are walking through the darkest period of your life, cut that person out of your life like a cancer.

I realize it’s only been a short time since I’ve been back in the States and it will take time to recover from everything. Adjusting to new surroundings, yet again, takes time. Living with a stepparent that I’m just getting to know takes time as well, especially since it takes me so long to warm up to people.

I only wish it didn’t take so much time and work.

That’s all I have to say for now. I hope all of you have a wonderful week.